In this section are various humorous
     anecdotes, jokes etc - all about football.

     Seaforth FC welcome any contributions to this section.
     If YOU have something funny, please email: Richard Wright


HUMOUR:

"If you can't stand the heat in the dressing room, get out of the kitchen."
- Terry Venables

"Sporting Lisbon in their green and white loops, looking like a team of zebras."
- Peter Jones. Green and white zebras??

"I should have won the game for England actually. Cos after that nobody wanted to come near me." - Jimmy Greaves, who got peed on by a dog who ran onto the pitch during a World Cup match.

"Munitis, the player who sounds like a disease..."
- Observer Sport Monthly, on Spanish player Pedro Munitis

"And in the day's other football match, Manchester City and Norwich drew love-all."
- Female announcer on Radio Manchester

"Paul Scholes - the most complete mental player I've ever seen."
- Ben Thornley. It's always the quiet, shy types who are the most dangerous.

"I don't score many goals and when I'm defending I'm a disaster!"
- Zinedine Zidane, World Cup 1998, Euro 2000, UEFA Champions League winner, former World Player of the Year and, of course, the planet's most expensive footballer in "I'm rubbish" shocker.

"There's no score, for those of you interested in football and can't get to a radio."
- Jo Whiley (live on Radio 1)

Interviewer: "Would it be fair to describe you as a volatile player?"
David Beckham: "Well, I can play in the centre, on the right and occasionally on the left side."

"The match will be shown on Match of the Day this evening. If you do not want to know the result, look away now as we show you Tony Adams lifting the trophy for Arsenal."
- Steve Rider

"Glen is putting his head into the frying pan."
- Ossie Ardiles

"I can't even remember when the Seventies was."
- Robbie Keane

"They can crumble as easily as ice-cream in this heat."
- Sammy Nelson

"There are still hundreds of question marks to be answered."
- Jimmy Armfield

"The Arsenal defence is skating close to the wind."
- Jack Charlton

(At Dixie Dean's funeral) "I know this is a sad occasion but I think that Dixie would be amazed to know that even in death he could draw a bigger crowd than Everton can on a Saturday afternoon."
- Bill Shankly

"He's a great little player... who scored it again?"
- Jack Charlton

"Which planet are you from? I am going to cry! Oh my God! How beautiful football is! What a goal! Diego Maradona! You made it seem so easy! I am crying, forgive me please!"
- Victor Hugo Morales, Argentine commentator who screamed this hyperbolic masterpiece after Adidas Fevernova-lookalike Maradona scored that goal against England in 1986.

"Liverpool's best chance ended when Beardsley shot himself."
- Daily Express

"Jim McLean, one of the few managers who can physically lift a side."
- Arthur Montford

"The lad got over-excited as he saw the whites of the goalpost's eyes."
- Steve Coppell

"Zidane is not very happy, because he is suffering from the wind."
- Ron Atkinson

"Statistics are like mini-skirts: they give you good ideas but hide the important things."
- Aberdeen manager Ebbe Skovdahl

"The Dutch fans look like a huge jar of marmalade."
- Barry Davies

"So Sampdoria are keeping it real, but they can't play in the Spanish league with the other Real's."
- Graham Joffe

"I was alone up front, with Danny Murphy playing between me, myself and the midfield."
- The schizophrenic Michael Owen

"He was as game as a pebble."
- David Webb

"Our first goal was pure textile."
- John Lambie

"You must be as strong in March, when the fish are down."
- Gianluca Vialli

Chris Waddle is off the pitch at the moment - exactly the position he is at his most menacing."
- Gerald Sinstadt

"What I said to them at half-time would be unprintable on the radio."
- Gerry Francis

"And there's Ray Clemence looking as cool as ever out in the cold."
- Jimmy Hill

"If God wants us to play in the clouds, He would have put grass up there!"
- Brian Clough is no fan of the long ball game.


:: More football humour coming very soon...


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